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David Letterman’s Top Ten List tonight (maybe a rerun - I don’t know) was the “Top Ten Excuses Made by The Man Who Had Sex With A Picnic Table.”

Letterman pretended to end the show at that point, citing the end of civilization as his reason.

But I think most of us gave up on civilization a long time ago. My question is just…I mean…what? How?

I mean…I can see a Teddy bear…even a car (exhaust pipe)…but a picnic table? Can someone try this and report in?

The only thing I can think of is that the table was less of a stereotypical picnic table and more of a regular outdoor patio picnic table with a slot built into it for holding an umbrella.

But even then…what did he do? Stuff the umbrella with cotton? Why not just buy a Teddy bear?

Civilization isn’t over…it’s just trying to find ways to keep things interesting. What else do we have to do?

And one more thing…who is the anonymous person from the article that sent in three DVDs of table-sex footage? Shouldn’t the police be looking for this person as well? Who videotapes a person having sex with a picnic table that many times, or for that long?

I promise to someday do more with this space than link to various articles from The New York Times, but until that day comes, take your rehashed news and like it. Bitch.

Meant to send this along a week or more ago. It’s an article about one man’s attempt to spend at least one day a week in technological darkness - no computer, no television, no celly. His description of the experience is worth a look. I empathize with his difficulties. Stop reading my blog and go for a walk.

Do not use your walk as an excuse to buy a latte. Bust up that Starbucks!

My life has changed forever in these past few days. Last night I did it, and tonight I’m doing it again. What did I do last night? What am I doing now…again?

Watching Baywatch.

Baywatch came on the TV, and I didn’t change the channel. Twice. You know why?

Because I can’t believe that it exists. Baywatch…exists. What?

Did you watch Baywatch? Why?

It’s so horrible. But I am too tired and too poor to do anything else…

…do only poor people watch Baywatch?

TV screens in elevators provide several important services to the average American. These include:

• Distracting men and women from the awkwardness of close physical proximity with strangers. Elevator TV screens give you something inhuman to look at when only humans are otherwise around. They provide you with a fixed point for focusing your attention and a passable excuse for avoiding eye-contact with other human beings. Yeaaaaaa elevator TVs!
• Providing men and women with up-to-the-minute news updates, weather updates, random sport statistics, random fun facts, celebrity birthday updates, and, of course, advertisements…in case any of these were missed when watching TV at home, listening to the radio on the way to work, or while surfing the web at home, at the office, on an iPhone or DingleBerry, or in a Starbucks. Bust up that Starbucks!
• Establishing camaraderie between coworkers. For instance…

I got into a TV’d elevator today with a random strange man. The doors closed and the elevator started moving and we both read the news item that was currently on the elevator TV. This was the news item that we saw, a report that two women had been arrested for fist-fighting in a Chuck E. Cheese when one of their sons wouldn’t stop “hogging” a video game that the other’s son wanted to play. This wasn’t included in the elevator TV update, but anyone who follows the previous link can access additional information on the brawl, including one police officer’s on-the-scene statement that he “doesn’t even know if they finished their pizza.”

Anyway, the elevator stopped just as the strange man had finished reading the screen. He scoffed, the doors began to open, and before leaving he turned slightly towards me and said: “Amazing, huh?”

I replied (with sarcasm!): “Actually, no, it isn’t.”

He laughed uproariously at that. Yeah. We were “buds.” Then the door closed.

Thanks, TV!

There are a lot of good things about HBO’s new series In Treatment. I won’t be sharing my thoughts on any of them, however, because HBO has pissed me off.

Having watched the very first episode of In Treatment while visiting family (I cannot afford cable at home, a result of “the artist’s life”), and having enjoyed it enough to want to watch more of the show, I did some research when I got home and was surprised to find that HBO was offering the show online, for free, via an iTunes podcast. This seemed too good to be true, but I tried downloading the episodes from the podcast, and it worked, so I shrugged and decided to just not worry about it. This was a pleasant feeling, and I privately congratulated HBO on the marketing move. I was still convinced that something fishy was going on, but my naive prediction was that I would be allowed to watch the first season of the show online, in this manner, before then being cut off.

This prospect did not bother me. I understand that even when your total production budget has been dramatically reduced - due to the fact that you shoot 90% of your show in one room, and that the majority of your cinematography consists of filming two actors sitting across from one another, at only a few different camera angles and under the same lighting arrangement - that these things cost money.

So on my merry way to therapy I went, for approximately three weeks. Due to the different sort of format they use for the show (each week features five different original episodes, but I am not going to go into any more detail, because I’m pissed off) I was able to watch fifteen half hour episodes, online, for free. That’s seven and a half hours of free premium entertainment. More than just a taste, this represents several separate meals. They might have been good meals, too. Actually, I can’t remember. I’m pissed off. Read more

“…ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”

What it fails to add, in terms of follow up advice: “if the answer is no, ask yourself if it’s worth it to keep on living.”

I joke, I kid, I josh.

If you really aren’t healthy enough for sex, though, you could always do what my old pal D.H. Lawrence did when it happened to him, and write the raunchiest novel in the world (at the time) to make up for things.

Boink boink.

I can almost promise that I will attempt to try to write an actual, lengthy, engaging post - complete with points and anecdotes and everything - sometime soon.

Boink!

Check out this post from the NY Times Bits Blog for a sampling of what it’s like to be in the belly of the consumer electronics beast (The 2008 Consumer Electronics Show).

And, if you’re interested, click around and read a few more of the author’s posts. He looks like he knows both how to write and what he’s talking about.

This is encouraging. This is refreshing. This is a Diet 7-Up with a fortune cookie label.

NOTE: This post was initially published on Yesterday’s Salad. It is reprinted here with the permission of the author, who shares several pairs of shoes and underwear with The Furious Romantic.

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Earlier this year, when I read about the premise for Showtime’s new series, Californication, I got a sinking feeling. My girlfriend watched the pilot episode of this “show about a writer,” starring David Duchovny in his first TV role since The X-Files, and liked it pretty well. But she warned me about watching it for myself.

“I feel like you might get kind of sensitive about how they treat the character,” she said. “He’s definitely a writer, all the stereotypes are there, but I don’t know if you’ll like it…then again…why else would they be stereotypes?” A teasing description of how many of the stereotypes fit onto my back probably followed, after which I probably bit her.

Anyway! After heeding her warning for a while, I caved. There’s just not much else out there worth watching, and Showtime and HBO have each proven themselves as surer bets in the search for eye-safe television. And, lo and behold, my lover was right. I did get kind of sensitive. In all the right ways.

Read more

Nothing like a good old Captain Planet reference to get things started off in the New Year.I meant to post this earlier but things been busier than a baby bee in a sweatshop. Netflix and LG have announced a partnership for bringing movies straight to the TV over the internet using a set-top box that will also play DVDs. There are a few reasons why this is significant.

1. This bodes extremely well for consumers like me who would like to control when and how they watch films and/or TV shows. What’s been holding TV on the internet back (now that the major studios and networks have finally begun offering their material online legally - because people were watching it there anyway, and because it makes financial sense) has been the lack of an easy and affordable way to get that material back to the TV. Most often, the TV is a better alternative than a computer screen, for reasons I won’t go into because of how obvious and simple they are. As of now, there are few good options in terms of getting films and TV in this way. Throw in with this announcement the fact that Netflix is a pretty smart and solid company overall (example: they’re planning on striking similar partnerships with other electronics manufactures, instead of pulling an Apple) and the chances that TV over the internet on the TV is a closer reality than it is far increase by a substantial margin.
2. Relatedly, this pays the proper amount of attention and respect to both younger and older consumers. Let’s face it (with our butts!), the mamas and the papas of the world aren’t going to be rushing to make the switch from DVD watching to downloading and streaming. Probably, younger generations will take time to make the switch as well. That’s why this is a good idea. The future may not be certain in terms of whether or not hard copy media is going to go all the way out the door, but in terms of the present: it pays to have multiple formats available. Mark my words in pretty pink ink.
3. Relatedly (again), this also means that in the future, if our children want to watch something, all they’ll have to do is pick up the remote (or keyboard) and say “gimme.” There’s nothing dangerous about that.

For anyone who finds the technical and/or commercial side of this topic interesting, I suggest you check out Scott Kirsner’s CinemaTech blog. If you want to talk about how to raise your spoiled babies, you can contact me, because I can talk about something like that all night long. All night.

*    *    *

Note: I should point out that the device discussed above would not be the first option for getting TV and/or films more “completely on demand.” The Vudu set-top box is an example of something that is currently available. I only think that the Netflix partnership sounds like an important step in the eventual popularization of such a process. As noted above, check out Scott Kirsner’s Cinematech blog for links to the most current announcements of this sort.